- Email: I don't keep email, hell, I don't want to know your email address and I sure as hell ain't going to give it to anybody else. After you email me and I send my reply (dripping, no doubt, with subtle sarcasm and witty dialogue), I'll be darn sure to delete your oh-so-valuable email address from my universe and forget I ever saw it.
- Hit Logs: The info in my hit logs is sold every week to ConGlomo and DoubleClick and LLBean. All of whom now own your soul anyway, so I might as well get a slice of the pie. Life is hard.
- Forum Posts: Since nobody posts to my forum, it makes little difference, eh?
- Snailmail: If you manage to find out a snailmail address that works for me, I'll send you pictures of my butt. Also, you can rest assured that I'll copy your return address and send it to every adult product manufacturer in the free world requesting free samples and catalogues. You're welcome.
- Telephone: I don't own one, I do everything over telegraph. Even my modem works on telegraph. Its very complicated.
- Personal Visit: If you come to my house, and I don't invite you. You'll get eaten by my dog, Dayve. She's a mean littl.. er, I mean big monster dog. With HUGE teeth, dammit. Grrrr.
All of these are null and void if you are, or ever become, rich and/or famous. If that happens, I'll dredge up any personal information I have on you and sell it to any living soul who'll shell out a thin dime for it without a second thought.
What? That's it.
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